Have you ever wondered where your favorite shot-loving, teamwork-hating, perpetually unhappy pseudo-superstar has gone? Well, odds are that he is lighting it up in the Chinese basketball leagues right now. From Stephon Marbury to Tracy McGrady to Steve Francis to Allen Iverson to Gilbert Arenas (maybe), these malcontents have found basketball bliss in the adoration of NBA-loving Chinese basketball fans, and in the complete lack of discipline of Chinese coaches. Finally, these players have found their basketball destinies of chucking up as many shots as possible, while not giving a shit about their teammates. What other current NBA players may discover their true destiny by joining these communist comrades? Here is a list of the Top 5 NBA players most likely to end up as Chinese superstars:
5. Russell Westbrook- If Russell is selfish enough to continuously ignore Kevin Durant, one of the greatest scorers ever, than imagine how many shots he would take when surrounded by Chinese scrubs. The only reason why he is this low is his youth, which means that he might discover the "magic" of teamwork. I hope he can ignore Scotty Brooks, and always remember that he is the best option on every offensive possession.
4. Brandon Jennings- As anyone who watched Jennings during the NBA lockout exhibition games knows, Brandon is a manic pixie dream player, when freed from Scott Skiles’ despotic reign. Crazy passes, sick dunks, off-balance three pointers, they might not always work, but that doesn’t bother Jennings. Under Skiles, Jennings has to do inconsequential things like “play defense” and “run the offense”, but once he gets to China, he is going to be so creative that the authoritarian government might have to put him under house arrest.
3. Vince Carter- Why isn’t Vince Carter already in China? Seriously, the Beijing Ducks need to give him a call right now. Vince, you don’t need to be a role player on a mediocre team. You can be star in China. 40 shots per game, Vince. Just imagine 40 shots per game.
2. Jimmer Fredette- You know Jimmer Fredette must spend every night watching his BYU highlight films in his Mormon pajamas. He must miss the unathletic WCC players, the adoring monochromatic crowds, and the ability to shoot from anywhere without ever being questioned. Well, Jimmer can have it all back (although the color of the crowds might be slightly different), all he needs to do sacrifice all of his basic human rights.
1. DeMarcus Cousins- Wait, you say, Boogie isn’t a guard, he can’t fit the mold of the Chinese superstar. Skeptical reader, let me remind you that sometimes you need to think outside the box. Boogie has all the markings of a classic Chinese superstar. He averages 0.9 assists per 48 minutes, while averaging 2.7 turnovers per 48 minutes and 15.6 shots per game. He has requested a trade multiple times and is widely known for being batshit crazy. As you can see, he passes the tests of selfishness, irresponsibility and lunacy with flying colors.
Embrace your destiny, DeMarcus. Embrace Chairman Mao.
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